Fear

When I was little I was afraid of the dark. At night after my parents would go to bed I would lay awake in my bed and listen to the creaks of our 1950's house. My heart would beat hard and I would imagine there was someone there. I memorized every squeak of every floor board and could walk out to the living room without making a sound (that came in handy later when I was a teen). Even to this day I will have a bad dream that will wake me up with my heart beating hard and I will think I hear someone in the house. I lay as still as I can and listen. I'm paralyzed with fear.

Fear that paralyzes so I can't breathe.

When I was a young mother with a new born I had new fears. How will I keep this child alive? Why is she crying so much? Is she eating enough? And then more children came. And more fears. Will they ever play together nicely? How can I take care of all of these kids? How will we teach them eveything they need to know?

Fear in and of itself is not wrong. God gave us that emotion for a reason. But when my fears give way to anxiety and anxiety to depression I have sinned. All of my fears came together in the past month and crashed in on me. Fear of failure to my husband and my children. Fear that paralyzed me.

Thankfully I have a best friend that set me straight. Instead of telling me what I wanted to hear, that I was a good wife and mother, he told me to make the right choice. Choose right now to be a good mother. Choose to be a good wife. Choose to react to fear in the right way. Not with worry, but trusting God to drive the fear away.

Perfect love casts out fear.

So I can move again.